Your Kid's Coach Is Not Playing Them. What to Do Next.

This is one of the most common things I hear from parents. My kid isn't playing. He's sitting on the bench. She only gets a few shifts a period. What's going on? It's frustrating for the parent, it's frustrating for the player, and most of the time nobody actually knows what to do about it.

The first thing I do when a parent brings this to me is ask them what they think their player did. Then I ask the player the same question separately. If the parent and the player give me the same answer, we're usually dealing with a coaching issue. But if the answers are different, that tells me something more important. It tells me the player might be doing things the parent isn't aware of, or the parent might be influencing the player's perspective in a way that's making the problem worse.

Most coaches who choose players don't typically want to sit them. It's hard for a coach to pick a kid at tryouts and then get to the point where they have to admit they might have made a bad decision. If your kid is sitting, the coach believes they've done something wrong and either doesn't want to take the time to explain it or feels like they already have.

That last part is important. A lot of coaches, especially the experienced ones, feel like they've already communicated the issue. Whether they did it clearly enough is a different conversation. But in their mind, the player has been told. And every shift that goes by without improvement confirms their decision to shorten the bench.

Your first instinct is going to be to talk to the coach. In most cases, that's the wrong move. Unless you're approaching the conversation with genuine curiosity about what your kid can do better, the coach is going to feel attacked. And even if you're being diplomatic, they've most likely already had this conversation in their head and decided where they stand.

The only productive question a parent can ask a coach is: what can my kid work on to earn more ice time? And even then, the coach might feel like they've already answered that question through their actions and instructions. Most coaches, especially the old-school ones, expect players to read their mind. It's not right, but it's real.

Switching teams mid-season is almost never an option. And even if it were, you're pulling your kid out of a tough situation instead of teaching them how to fight through it. That lesson matters more than any amount of ice time.

Getting private skills training sounds like the right call, but here's the problem. Most skills coaches don't watch your kid's games. They don't see what's happening on the bench or in practice. They don't know what the head coach wants the player to do differently. So they're training in a vacuum. The player gets better at drills but doesn't fix the actual issue that's keeping them off the ice.

The only way you know things are getting better is if you hear your last name and the word go. Everything else the coach says is usually a way to be diplomatic.

A lot of players will hear a coach tell them exactly what they're doing wrong and still won't change the behavior. Sometimes that's because a parent is whispering in their ear that the coach doesn't know what they're talking about. Sometimes the player just mentally doesn't align with the coach's system or style. Either way, the result is the same. They sit.

The players who pull through are the ones who truly want to play and look inward to figure out what they can do to get off that bench. They stop blaming the coach. They stop listening to the sideline commentary from mom and dad. They focus on the one or two things they can control.

If you're a forward, the fastest way off the bench is to score. Put the puck in the net and a lot of disagreements disappear overnight. No coach is going to bench a kid who's scoring. If you're in a contact league, hitting is another way to make yourself impossible to ignore. Coaches love players who play physical because it shows commitment and energy, two things that are hard to coach.

But the most reliable path is the simplest one. Do exactly what the coach is asking you to do. Not what you think they're asking. Not a version of it that's more comfortable for you. Exactly what they said. Even if you disagree. Even if another coach told you something different. The coach in front of you is the one deciding whether you play, and right now that's the only opinion that matters.

Here's something I see constantly that parents don't realize they're doing. They undermine the coach at home without meaning to. A comment at dinner like 'I don't know why he's not playing you, you're one of the best kids out there' might feel supportive, but what the player hears is: the coach is wrong and I don't need to change anything.

That's the kiss of death. Once a player believes the coach is the problem, they stop trying to solve the equation. They wait for the coach to figure it out, which the coach never will because from their seat the player hasn't changed.

The hardest thing a parent can do is tell their kid that the coach might be right. But it's also the most valuable thing you can say. Because it puts the power back in the player's hands instead of making them a victim of someone else's decision.

Sometimes it really is the coach. Some coaches have favorites. Some coaches play politics. Some coaches made promises to other parents before tryouts even started. That's the ugly side of youth hockey and it does exist.

But even when that's the case, the answer is the same. Become undeniable. Score goals. Back check harder than anyone. Be the first one on the ice and the last one off. Make it so uncomfortable for the coach to sit you that they have no choice but to put you out there. And if after all of that you're still sitting? Then you know. And you can make the decision to move on with a clear conscience, knowing you did everything you could.

Research backs this up. A study published in the Journal of Sports Sciences found that athletes who focus on controllable factors like effort, preparation, and attitude consistently outperform those who fixate on external factors like coaching decisions and teammate quality, regardless of how much playing time they get.